J.E. Tucker’s A Christmas Carol

It’s the Bible Goes West Christmas Spectacular! Presented by Sexpot Comedy

We had such a good time last season that we here at J.E. Industries said, Let’s do it again!

Now drunk off the spirit of Christ, which is what Clarence calls his extra strength Egg Nog, we bring you:

J.E. Tucker’s A Christmas Carol Part 2

The Second ghost

Scrooge laid in his bed, scared shitless.

It was 1:59 am and scrooge prayed to a being he had long forgotten about. He prayed, Be there no second ghost.

The clock struck two. Ding! Scrooge pulled the covers over his head. Dong! He shivered under the blankets.

There was silence now. No ghost, no visions of the past. Then light escaped under the chamber door and one man’s huge laughter filled the dark room.

It was not frightful but Inviting.  Scrooge got out of bed and moved toward his jolly guest.

Scrooge opened his door and saw a chamber full of food and gifts. Gold and silver tinsel on every decorum. Scrooge’s spirit was immediately lifted.

A large figure in the room noticed scrooge’s presences and turned to him, Come! And know me better man!

Hello, scrooge said back with a smile, who might you be?

I am the ghost of Christmas present. Come! And know me better man!

Why do you keep saying that?

I am drunk!

I see, scrooge replied. Are you to show me things which have come?

I am the ghost of Christmas present!

OK.

The large ghost stood up. He grabbed scrooges hand and said, We go now!

Suddenly scrooge was now in a market of busy commerce. Coins were being exchanged gleefully for geese and hams. Fruits for puddings and grains for cakes. The smell of baked goods covered with cinnamon filled the air.

I know this place, scrooge said.

You should! This market is Christmas day right outside your business door. But you’re all inside and stuff.

I would be counting money yes!

Money you could use to buy some delicious goose or scrumptious pudding!  In fact I’ll be right back.

The ghost went over to a food stall and began to feast. The stall owner did not seem to notice his gluttony.

Scrooge spotted his employee Roberto.

Ah, Bob has realized his foolishness and came back to work. Good man!

Roberto went past his work entrance and toward an old woman with average size geese.

He bought a modest bird and went into the center of the square.

Gimpy Tim?! Where are you, gimpy?!

Scrooge was not sure whom he was calling out too. He looked around for the answer but saw his own nephew.

His nephew was running happily down the street.

Let’s follow him, ghost!

Scrooge leapt after his only family, strangely interested in the Christmas goings ons of Fred and his lovely wife clara.

The ghost was still stuffing his face.

Scrooge was now on Holly street, where Fred lived.  Fred had now entered and greeted his clara with a kiss.

Hello my love!

Hello dear!

Everything smells so good!

Thank you. Is your uncle going to be joining us?

She said this with a fear in her voice.

No sadly. He will not be.

His wife was visible relieved.  Clara began,

Good. I hate that man. The very thought of him gracing our table is an insult to the very good person we invited. I tell you what, if he were to die, I would feel nothing but joy his greed and meaniness vanish from the world.

Now dear. Remember Christmas?

His wife settled down.  Fred continued.

Everyone on this earth is welcome at Christmas. Even if they are mean, greedy, old, smells bad, has a wort on his face…

Fred continued with a list of things they hate about scrooge, his wife laughing at each mean thing he said. The old man himself stood in ethereal sadness.

The ghost of Christmas present finally arrived, face covered in sweet, baked-good crumbs.

What is going on, he said.

Nothing, scrooge replied. Just my only family members having fun.

Fred and his wife both laughed together with much glee.

Looks like a lot of fun.

Yes. Spirit, can you take me to my employee, Bob?

I sure can. Let’s go.

The spirit took scrooge by the hand and he found himself in a dirty alley; rats as numerous as people.

Scrooge looked at his host, who had aged 40 years by his appearance.

Spirit where are we?

This is the home of your employee, Bob Crachet.

But it is so crappy.

Well, his employer is a harsh boss. This is what his family can afford.

The spirit entered the building. Scrooge followed.

Scrooge was appalled by the amount of soot on the walls. He hated the crappy chairs they sat on while around their small table. He saw no feast being prepared, like at his nephews.

Spirit, scrooge asked, why is their Christmas so bleak? Why would he want not to work when his house is in such shambles.

The spirit did not answer but look at the door. Scrooge followed his eye sight and Roberto opened the door.

I am home family! Gimpy Tim and I return from the market!

Roberto walked in and behind him hobbled a gimpy boy about the age of 10, carrying a small goose.

The boy slowly moved to the kitchen and helped dress the bird. Roberto’s wife went to her husband.

How is he today?

He is good. Christmas helps him forget about being sick. He asked to carry the goose and I could not refuse him. He felt alive and filled with joy. He is  stronger than all of us.

Marget went to her son and gave him a hug. Scrooge noticed Roberto’s quivering voice and saw he was holding back a flood of tears.

Spirit?

The spirit had falling asleep.

Spirit!

Wha- sorry I was just resting my eyes. What is going on?

Spirit? What ails this small boy?

Not sure. I am a ghost not a doctor. But I know if Christmas continues in this house as it is, there will be an empty seat and a crutch in the corner.

The spirit stood up and starting to make his way outside. Scrooge followed close behind yet looked back at gimpy tim, his father, and mother. 

Outside, the ghost leaned against a wall.

I think I drank and ate too much pastries. I am going to throw up.

The ghost began to hurl. Scrooge looked away as the size and gluttony of his host surely meant the explosion would be gross. However, as scrooge look he was no longer in the same alley, there was nothing but darkness.

The Third ghost

 Scrooge was in complete darkness. He knew not time or space. He began to scream for the spirit but to no avail. Scrooge then saw  smoke began to enter from the slits of a door he could barely see.

More and more smoke began to fill the darkness allowing scrooge to see the door. He entered the threshold into his living room. There was no feast. His entire house was on fire.

In the middle of the inferno stood a dark robed figure. Not an inch of skin could be seen under the robe’s long arms and over-baring hood. It raised its hand and motioned for scrooge to come closer. It never made a sound.

Scrooge moved past the flames and toward his grim guest. The inferno destroying everything scrooge had bought over his lifetime.

Are you the ghost foretold to me?

The being acknowledged nothing.

Answer me please, spirit. I beg you.

The spirit turned toward a door scrooge had never noticed before. The frame of the door twisted and bent; and the door off-kilter.

The being moved for the door, which opened without physical aid. Scrooge followed shortly behind.

Once the other side of the threshold scrooge found himself in a pawn shop. The clerk marked by pox and giving a broken smile to the two people in front of him.

2 cents? For this? This is a fine table cloth from that old geezer which lived in the big house.

Yeah. You do not like it? Put it on your table. Now piss off.

The holder of the table cloth left in a huff. Scrooge recognized the cloth from the textile pattern. It was a one from a fine cloth maker. The one he visited. Worth way more than two cents.

And what do you have? Asked the clerk.

I got his shoes!

The shoes made the clerk’s eyes widen. These where some nice kicks. Leather and thick. But soft and comfy.

I’ll give you 10 cents.

What? These are Nik—

Listen do you want to buy crack or not?

The shoe man nodded fast and the clerk threw him his money. The seller scurried out like a rat into the streets.

Scrooge knew those shoes. Who else in the area could afford them but him?

Spirit? Whose items were those?

Scrooge turned around to see the spirit walking through another door. Scrooge ran after the ghost.

On the other side he found himself at a funeral. Many people had gathered and all were crying. Even the priest could not help himself to the sorrow.

Scrooge scanned the crowd. No one he recognized. However, On the outskirts of the group was the sad screams of a familiar voice.

Scrooge went closer. It was his employee, Roberto.

Why!? Judge, Why!?

He was being consoled by his wife, who also had more sorrow in her heart then a sad rodeo clown.

Scrooge felt fear. He ran to the ghost.

Spirit? Is this the funeral of Gimpy tim? Tell me!

The spirit said nothing. Instead he moved from the crowd to a solitary, open grave on the hill. Scrooge followed.

Spirit, answer me!

The spirit stopped and turned toward the old man.

Was that the funeral of Gimpy tim?

The spirit nodded.

Where they not able to cure his sickness.

The spirit shook his head and moved, once more, toward the lone grave on the hill. Scrooge followed.

Once at the grave, the spirit stopped. Scrooge stood in front of the grave. Vines had already taken claim of the tombstone and the stone was surrounded by the poop of hundreds of dogs. It was obvious no one held found memories of the deceased.

Spirit, whose grave are we at? Whose tombstone is shown such disrespect?

The spirit moved the opening of his hood to scrooge’s face and a small but frightening laugh began to emanate from the hole.

It started as one, then split off into two. The being lifted its head and moved its hands to its belly. A third laugh began.

Scrooge stepped back from the being and fell into the grave. The being bent down into the hole and met scrooge face to face again.

Scrooge could see the face of the being this time. It was the face of his old partner, Jacob. Then it shifted to the first ghost, then second, then Gimpy tim.

The being’s face keep changing, becoming his nephew, Roberto, Margret, and Clara. They all laughed in scrooge’s face as he layed in his grave.

Spirit, show me mercy! I have seen the error of my ways and will live with Christmas in my heart. I will help the less fortunate and ease the suffering of the sick. Please spirit show me mercy!

The spirit’s laugh increased.

Scrooge grabbed at the ghost. He caught hold of his robe and pulled with all his might. The robes fell off of the ghost with ease and covered scrooge head to toe.

He now fought to uncover himself and the moment he freed his head he found himself on his bed tangled in his covers.

It was morning. It was Christmas day!

Epilogue

Scrooge leapt out of bed. He could not believe it! The spirits had given him a second chance! And he would not ruin it.

Scrooge ran to his window and burst it open for the first time in years.

He scanned the ground and spotted a small boy sitting on the sidewalk.

Hey you! What day is it.

Christmas dumbass!

Well what a foul mouth on you. God bless it! Can you do me a favor?

What old man?

Take my wallet and run down to the grocer. Buy the biggest fucking bird you can and bring it to this address!

Scrooge scrolled down Roberto’s address, put it in his wallet, and threw it down at the boy. The child picked it up, saw all the money in there and could not believe what was happening.

Now hurry! And keep the change for yourself and the butcher.

The kid slowly walked away, not sure if this was a sting operation and he was being set up.

Scrooge had so much energy and excite meant he left his house without getting dressed.

He ran, jumped, and skipped his way to Roberto’s like a man three quarters his age. For the first time since he became Jacob’s partner, he whistled a jolly tune.

He got to Roberto’s well ahead of the boy and the bird.  He knocked on the door with much aggression. He had thought of quite the fun prank to play on Roberto.

The door opened and Roberto was shocked to see it was scrooge.

Scrooge walked in without saying a word. Forcing a frown on his face that he could barely hold. His joy was overtaking him but he held on. For the purpose of the prank.

What can I do for you sir?

Bob, I have been meaning to do this for awhile now. It is something that I needed to do for years but I just couldn’t do it.

What are you referring to?

Come the start of the new year, you will no longer be my employee.

This dropped Robertos heart.

But sir! I need this job.

I do not care. This is my business and I shall run it how I want.

Roberto’s wife overheard everything and came running into the room with a butcher’s knife.

That is it Mr, scrooge. You die today!

At this point scrooge began to laugh hysterically, only angering Margret more. She ran at him.

With him inches of scrooge she was stopped by the quick hands of Roberto.

Honey please don’t. Ill stab him. She gave him the knife and Roberto now began to chase a laughing scrooge around the eating table.

Bob! I do not think you want to stab me!

Why! I just lost my job. I got nothing to lose!

Well you have a business actually!

Roberto stopped.

Wha-wait what?

I am making you my partner. Bob?

What?

I am making you my partner, bob?

What?

This continued for some time until scrooge decided to break the loop.

Well obviously I can see my prank worked. You are going to be my business partner!

Oh my Judge! And to think Margret and I were both going to murder you and hide your body before Gimp Tim came back from church.

Scrooge laughed. He continued to laugh until Roberto and Margret joined in. They had never seen a man more filled with joy. And it was scary.

After ten minutes of awkward laughing there was a knock on the door. Scrooge answered it with great gusto.

It was the boy scrooge had thrown his wallet at!

I thought you might have just took off with my wallet young sir.

I was going to but then I thought this man is crazy. I am bored, lets see where this goes.

The butcher was behind him with the biggest bird in his store.

Holy shit you were not lying kid.

Scrooge then commanded Roberto, Margret, the kids, and the butcher out of the house. They picked up Gimpy Tim from church and marched him over to Fred’s. Scrooge and Gimpy led Christmas carols the entire way.

Fred answered the door and almost screamed with delight as he saw his old uncle scrooge at his abode. Mellissa freaked out when she saw the amount of guest she would have to now feed.

Scrooge looked at everyone and said. The feast is on me. And the butcher went into the kitchen with the largest bird any of them have ever seen.

What followed was the greatest Christmas any of them could truly remember. And afterward, scrooge was good to his word and then some.

When he died people said they could not name a more humble and generous man. Scrooge made the world better for everyone he knew.

Gimpy Tim spoke at his funeral but He was not called gimpy anymore. Just “The Tim formally known as Gimpy.”

He finished the funeral in the same joyous and loving way as he ended his first Christmas with scrooge.

Judge bless us, everyone.

J.E. Tucker’s A Christmas Carol

It’s the Bible Goes West Christmas Spectacular! Presented by Sexpot Comedy

We had such a good time last season that we here at J.E. Industries said, Let’s do it again!

Now drunk off the spirit of Christ, which is what Clarence calls his extra strength Egg Nog, we bring you:

J.E. Tucker’s A Christmas Carol

Marley was dead,  judge damn it! No doubt about that. The clergyman, Mortician, Police, they all poked the smelly body with a stick. Little rascles

Scrooge poked it too! Scrooge poked it right in the belly and Marley was known to hate that, so if he was alive he would have punch Scrooge straight in the mouth.

Old Marley was dead as a door nail.

Marley’s death left Scrooge the sole proprietor of the Arizona Leather Back factory. They sold a great many fine leathers: Buck Skin, GoatSkin, Calfskin! Chicken skin! All the good ones.

Scrooge was tight-fisted hand at the grind stone. He never used the AC. His store a sweltering 100 degrees at most times of the year. The heat had no effect on Scrooges leather work. His head lost in a world of leather manufacturing.

Scrooge worked in a separate room back from the occasional customer. The front of the store was manned by his long-time clerk, Bob Cratchit. His desk littered with self-purchased mist fans on full power.

“A merry Christmas, uncle! Judge save you!” Cried a cheerful voice. It was the voice of Scrooges nephew, Fred, who came crashing through the Leathery door.  This angered Scrooge.

“Bah! Humbug!” Scrooge yelled at his nephew.

“Christmas a humbug!? You do not mean that, I am sure?” his nephew returned.

“I do. In fact, Christmas can take a rattler and shove it up its own a--.” Scrooge continued, “What reason to be merry to you have? You are poor enough?”

“What reason do you have to be an old bastard? You’re rich enough?”

Scrooge was beyond livid. He replied, “What has Christmas ever done for you?”

His nephew stood proud and returned, “I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round—apart from the veneration due to its sacred name and origin, if anything belonging to it can be apart from that—as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore, uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!”

Bob Cratchit applauded involuntarily. Scrooge yelled, “If I hear another sound from you, Christmas shall be held in the unemployment line!”

Scrooge’s nephew interrupted the anger, “Anyway, come dine with us? My wife would love your company, Uncle. “

Scrooge was done with this conversation and he let his guest know, “Good Afternoon”

“Uncle”

“Good Afternoon!”

“You intend to make this unpleasant but you are my family and I love you, so Merry Christmas! And A Happy New Year!”

“Good afternoon!”

His nephew left the store without an angry word, saying goodbye to Bob on his way out.

Scrooge had few other visitors he couldn’t give two fucks about. At closing time, Bob came into Scrooge’s office without permission. The affront irked Scrooge’s mood greatly.

“ah…sir.” Bob said.

Scrooge grunted.

“Sir, may I ask a favor?”

“what do you want? I am busy!”

“Sir, I was wondering, may I have tomorrow off?”

“Tomorrow? Why? Is it a holiday?”

“Yes, its Christmas, sir”

“pffft. Do people not need leather on Christmas day?”

“No. Everyone is buying their loved ones ipads and ps4s and switches. We never have a customer in here. You lose money paying me my wages.”

Scrooge, hearing only the part about money, agreed.

“You are right, Bob. But I want you here two hours early the next day and organizing the leather by alphabetically by animal’s Christian name. “

Bob had no idea what that meant but agreed to get the day off.

When the sun set, Scrooge left his business and headed home. The streets carried a weird fog this night but scrooge gave it no mind. His mind only spooked at the raising prices of leather.

He made it to his house as the sky became pitch black. It is a fact that scrooge’s door bell was an ordinary door bell.  It went DING-DONG and that was it. However, tonight the door bell was the face of his dead partner Jacob Marley. Scrooge looked at it.

As he moved his face closer, it was a door bell again. To say he was not startled would be untrue. But he steadily got his keys and unlocked the front door. He entered the shut the door behind him.

He thought to lock the locks but then thought, I have never done that before. Won’t start now.

Scrooge got ready for bed by heating up a can of stew, grabbing a bottle of whiskey, and eating  and getting drunk between the sheets. After his meal, he found his favorite movie on Netflix, White Girls, and hit play.

Around midnight, scrooge could barely lift his eyes. The sweat sounds of the Waynes Brothers lulling him to sleep. As his eye-lids landed heavily shut. His bedroom door opened violently as a something entered his chamber doors.

Scrooge recognized the being as it hovered closer as his long-time partner, Marley. His eyes widen and his mouth went dry. No sounds could he make and no movement could he force.

“You’re dead! I know I saw you die and helped buried you.”

The being howled!

“Do you not trust your eyes?” said the being.

“I should say not. I finished a fifth of whiskey and that can play tricks on a man’s mind.”

The being howled! The loud scream sent Scrooge to the floor.

“I am your partner Jacob Marley. If life I was a bastard like you and I am here to tell you that hell is real and it sucks.”

Scrooge tried to appease the spirit with a compliment, “But Hell? You were still a good man? Is there no mercy?”

The Being Howled!

“There is no mercy for men like us! We helped finance the anti-immigration laws.”

Scrooge cried out, “is there no comfort for me?”

The Being Howled!

“You may find mercy, Scrooge!” The being began to vanish into the darkness. “Three ghosts are riding to you. They shall help you on your path.”

Marley had vanished. Scrooge not sure what had occurred began to doubt everything and said, “Humbug.”

The Being Howled!

Scrooge fell to the floor again.

“Expect the first ghost when the clock says one.”

Silence fell onto the room.

Scrooge got back into bed, looking cautiously into the dark room. He laid his head down and closed his eyes. Before he slept he muttered, “Humbug.”

 

The First Ghost

 

Scrooge awoke from the alarm on his clock he did not set. He hit the alarm and tried to go back to sleep when he felt a foreign pressure on his chest. Scrooge assumed this was the start of his fatal heart attack. He opened his eyes to find the fabled light and was greeted with the creepy smile of a bearded little person.

Scrooge lifted from bed, launching the dwarf wildly into the bedroom wall. The tiny man picked himself off and grabbed a pick ax off the floor and jumped back on the bed.

“Who are you tiny man!?”

“I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.”

“Long Past?”

“What is long past? I am the ghost of Christmas Past and I am here to make you realize you weren’t always such a dick. Now lets go.”

The little fellow hit Scrooge on the head, causing his to cover his head with his hands. When he removed his hands to strike his assailant, Scrooge was in his old school.

“Spirit, This is my old school.”

“No shit. And I am not  spirit, I am a Tommy knocker. Read your Phantasmagoria. Come here.”

Scrooge found the Tommy Knocker in cafeteria. Watching a little boy. Scrooge recognized it as himself, age 14.

Scrooge moved toward the Tommy Knocker. Meanwhile three boys ran to Scrooge and screamed, “Your mom’s a whore!”

The spirit, not sure what was going on, asked Scrooge.

“This is the Christmas everyone found out my mom was fucking the quarterback.”

“What?! Shit this if the wrong memory!”

He looked at Scrooge, he was noticeably upset.

“Wrong memory? Are you new?”

Anger took over Scrooge, and he jumped on the Tommy Knockers neck. He was about the choke out the  

He opened his eye and found himself in a candy store. Not just any candy store but Fezziwigs!

“Spirit! I know this place! I interned here!”

“Good, I got the place right. I am sorry about that last memory. And to answer your question, Yes, I am new. “

Scrooge didn’t hear the ghost. He was lost in nostalgia. Scrooge spotted himself running in a much younger body down a flight of stairs into Fezziwig’s office. The older Scrooge and the Tommoy Knocker followed him.

“Sir! Margret has just brought boxes upon boxes of Christmas cookies. They smell so good!”

Fezziwig did not move from his chair.

“Sir?”

Scrooge began to remember this Christmas. It was the Christmas his beloved mentor died from diabetes due to his wife’s sugary cookies. 

The Tommy Knocker realized this as well and before Scrooge could say anything to point out the error the blunt side of a pick hit Scrooge in the Temple again.

This time Scrooge woke up at a beautiful lake. Sitting on a bench were two people staring into the distance.

“Nope! I know this memory. This is the Christmas Belle left me because I was working to hard. I thought you were trying to make me not a dick. I have once again been devastated by reliving all these Christmases. You suck at your job.”

The Tommy Knock looked around and agreed. He said, “Listen after this is done you are going to be asked to take a survey. I am going to ask you decline to take it.”

The Tommy Knocker jumped up and slammed the pick into his head again.

Scrooge woke at 1:15 with a massive headache. He was back in his room. Alone.

The Bible Goes West, By J.E. Tucker

Genesis 20

Joseph Down Under

1 So Joseph, one of the few to survive the destruction caused by Jacob and Esau’s feud, needed work.

2 With the patriarchs of his family dead, Joseph had to find his own money. All he had was a multi-colored rifle and the ability to shoot a bullet far. One time he had sent lead 900 yards hitting a wolf stalking his cattle.

3 In a frontier town in the west of the country, Joseph found a poster requesting hands in Australia.

4 He returned the poster, signed J., punctuated with three close bullet holes, and got on a boat for the land to the south.

5 The trip was long but Joseph entertained the sailors with amazing long shots on jumping fish. It was the best fun the sailors had since that manatee pleasured them all.

6 Joseph arrived in Australia on a hottest day of the year. Everyone was pissed, sweaty, and the air smelled like a slaughterhouse.

7 In the small town of Sydney, Joseph was to meet with his employer. He decided to head to the saloon and have a nice beverage.

8 After a nice warm beer, Joseph noticed a scuffle happening outside. Three men were harassing a lady, with a nice BLTwhich Joseph thought was mighty fine.

9 The three men grabbed at the woman, restricting her arms and legs. They lifted her off the ground and toward a carriage. They were mere feet from the door of the carriage when Joseph hit the biggest one with the butt of his rifle.

10 The large man dropped to the ground and the other two were not strong enough to hold up the woman they falsely claimed. She fell to the ground and released a long string of expletives.

11 The two men still conscious picked up their large friend and left in the carriage. The driver screaming, We see you again and trouble will be had.

12 He then released a number of threats from his lips. His passion so great he did not notice the low hanging branch which clocked him in the back of the head.

13 Joseph went to the attractive big bottom lady and helped her up. She thanked him

14 She said, My name is Asenath and I appreciate your help. Let me buy you a drink. I owe you a great favor.

15 Joseph agreed. Asenath told Joseph her tale; of the massacre at her family farm and her mission of revenge against all evil land owners.

16 Around dusk, the men Joseph was to meet entered the saloon. They moved to joseph and grabbed his attention.

17 One said, You Joseph? Let’s get going. We have a two hour ride ahead of us.

18 The other said, Who is her? You said you work alone.

19 Asenath jumped in, I owe him a debt. Worry not who I am, for I protect your employee is all.

20 The two men were confused but too tired and not paid enough to worry the change of details. They got on their horses and rode to their employer’s ranch.

21 On the biggest ranch in Australia, Joseph and Asenath met the greatest landowner down under, Pharaoh.

22 Pharaoh said to Joseph, I am in need on a man with your skill. The Aboriginal people have annoyed me for the last time. I need you to kill them all so I may take their land.

23 Joseph replied, I know I am a sharpshooter but I will not kill people so you can have more land. You have more than you can farm.

24 Joseph was so enraged by Pharaoh’s request he gave him the Cleveland toss out of his own house.

25 Joseph then said, How do you like it? Now I own your house. How does that feel?

26 Joseph’s question was punctuated by a frying pan to his head from Pharaoh’s Aborigine man servant.

27 The Servant quickly brought the cooking utensil to Asenath’s dome as well. Once on the ground the hands of Pharaoh descended upon the two. Many fists and boots knocked them out cold.

28 Pharaoh’s laugh the last thing they heard.

29 Asenath was the first to wake. The bright sun illuminated the desert landscape around them. She woke Joseph.

30 The two found themselves with only their clothes and weapons. No water, no compass, no map. They walked.  

 

31 Within hours the heat dried the water from their bodies. Joseph was the first to collapse. Asenath then carried him for as long as she could. She collapsed next to a tall prickly pear cacti.

32 On the other side of the cacti, an aborigine man was napping. When Asenath hit the ground, he jumped up startled hitting his head against the strong cacti arm. After cursing his luck, he brought Joseph and Asenath to his tribe.

33 There Joseph and Asenath learned of the people and their land; how Pharaoh wanted to mine the great mountain for gold and enslave the tribes.

34 Joseph saw that the native people were good and pledged his gun to their cause. A large feast was had with Joseph and Asenath dancing drunk into the night.

35 The next morning Joseph woke to the screams of women and children as Pharaoh’s hands pillaged the camp.

36 One Aborigine, forced to the ground, said to Joseph, get up whitey!

37 Joseph grabbed his gun. He shot the two men forcing the aborigine down and moved on to all who trespass against his host.

38 As dawn rose, The body count was high. Many aborigine lay dead; but just as many of Pharaoh’s hands joined them in hell.

39 Asenath was caring for a baby found amongst the dead. Joseph said, I am going to town to buy ammo. The End is Nigh.

40 Asenath replied, good. Get me double what you get. My anger is great.

41 Asenath returned to caring for the child. Joseph rode into town. He bought every last bullet the gunsmith made. Revenge was nigh.

42 Not but a step outside the smith’s door did Joseph see four of Pharaoh’s men. He loaded his rifle and went to work.

43 One by one, Joseph gun down Pharaoh’s hands from long distance, not giving them any chance to draw their weapons.

44 Joseph told the nearest citizen of the town, Tell the undertaker there are four on the floor and more on their way. It will be a good day for him.

45 Joseph rode back to Asenath. She had just protected the child from an assault of baby-loving Dingos. Joseph commended her grit and threw three boxes of lead at her feet. He said, It begins.

46 The two rode to pharaoh’s ranch. They killed the guards on the outskirts of town, then moved into the interior of the ranch.

47 At the big house, Asenath shot a guard by the front door. Joseph moved up but on the poach he took a bullet from a hand he never saw to the left. Joseph’s misstep distracted Asenath.

48 Pharaoh’s two sons, Bobo and JoJak,  moved on the two avengers and they were captured Joseph and his partner.

49 They were brought before Pharaoh and stripped of their rifles. Pharaoh said, You caused me many problems. I’ve lost more men in one night than my entire time on the range.

50 I’ve noticed you two only use rifles, like yellow bellies. Let me teach you how to quick draw, like someone with courage.

51 Two handguns were thrown at their feet. They picked them up and equipped the holsters. Bobo and JoJak went to Pharaoh’s sided, Joseph and Asenath counted ten paces away from their opponents.

52 Pharaoh placed a musical watch from his pocket and cranked the tiny music player. The song played.

53 Joseph stared down Pharaoh. Asenath met eyes with Bobo and JoJak. The song Continued.

54 They shot at the music’s end. 

55 Smoke filled the air. As the ghostly clouds vanished Pharaoh and his two hands were left standing; as were Joseph and Asenath. Everyone had missed.

56 Pharaoh said, I see. He looked to see the bullet holes behind him. Maybe we just go our separate ways. I’ll promise not to do no evil and let you all live in my land free.

57 Joseph replied, heart pounding, Yes. That seems like a good idea. Sorry for the trouble. “If I see you around my ranch I’ll gun you down” Ha ha ha. No, I’m just joking.

58 So went how the Clan of Joseph and Asenath arrived in Australia. Their lives blessed by the Judge for Generations.

The Bible Goes West, By Me, J.E. Tucker.

Vanquish-ology of The West and The Funeral of Jacob

Genesis 18

1 With all the bodies piling up, the clans of Jacob and Esau decided to record who shoot who.

2 The deaths were many and gruesome; the survivors were even more gruesome with their holes in their face and missing limbs.

3 What Follows is the Vanquish-ology of The West

4 The first to die was Esau’s niece, Brandine. In response to Brandine’s death the clan of Esau killed Jacob’s friend, Pete Spuckler.

5 Maw took out Pete Spuckler with a long range shoot on a sunny day. She just started to celebrate the tough shot when Merl come up behind and shot her like a coward.

6 Dia Betty enacted revenge upon Merl but Gummy Sue evened the score with a slug from a shot gun.

7 Normal Head Joe finished Big Head Todd, and Tiffany brought death to Designated Dorothy

8 Heather avenged Big Head Todd and Cody got Tiffany.

9 Romeo and Juliet fell in love but when the two families found out about their love they ended up killing each other; because of the teenage angst or something stupid. 

10 There was a short lull in the combat, during which bridges were built between the lands. They were almost complete when Jacob’s bumbling grandson Jordan crashed his carriage into the bridge support destroying all the good work.

11 Taylor, main designer of the bridge, found Jordan and shot him dead in the street. Brittany, Jordan’s wife, took up his gun and got returned violence to Taylor. This, of course, started the feud anew.

12 The youngens now joined the fray; the old men and women of Jacob and Esau dead from old age and syphilis.

13 Wesley was the first to strike; filled with stories of bravery and action from his grandfather Jacob. He shot Rumer while Rumer was entering the General market on the Jacob side of town.

14 Scout rushed to his brother and with Rumer’s gun he got Wesley and his sister Cassidy.

15 The smallest youngen of Esau, Zoe, would not let this stand and with her 4-year-old hands picked up cold iron and erupted it at Scout; hitting him square between the eyes.

16 Chloe was Jacob’s  youngest youngen and it was her job to take the fight to Esau’s door. And she did.

17 The 3, and 4 month, year-old kid was a knife expert. She was as adorable as the Chucky doll. She stabbed Max real good.

18 She also got the best of Hunter; then snuck into the rooms of Kendall, Noah, Sascha, Morgan, Kyra, Ian, Lauren, and Q-Bert. Slashing them all to ribbons.

19 That little slicer went up and down the ranks of Esau. Until Esau created a super soldier of his own. 

20 Rubella Scabies was the little demon. She was not a fighter in the traditional sense but deadly none the less.

21 Phil attempted to kill her but Phil started to cough badly. Soon blood flew from his lips and he fell unconscious and never woke.

22 Birthday came into the room to see Phil fallen. He picked up the child and took him to the house of Jacob to use as ransom.

23 Once Rubella Scabies was on the Ranch of Jacob, a strange illness fell upon the range. Crystal Meth was the first on the ranch to die after Rubella’s arrival.

24 Dubya died next and spread it to his lover, Incest. Their daughter, International Harvester was removed from the house, hoping death would not follow her. Jitney took in International Harvester.

25 One by one, all whom lived with Jitney began to cough. Stabbed In Jail died after three days, followed by the twins, Wheel and Barrel.

26 The twins left a mess when they died. Navel String and Melvis’ beds where covered in the fluids of death.

27 Their sometimes lovers, Mary Not-Quite-Right and Mary Zeke, tried to clean the mess but developed The Cough from their effort. The two women’s brother, Gitmo, visited them numerous times on the request of their grandfather.

28 This is how Jacob contracted the Cough of Death from his grandson and died in the tub, making a gross toxic human stew for his family to find in the morning.

Genesis 19

1 The Family of Jacob was devastated. The weapon of Esau had killed many. The fighting had stopped. Most could only muster the energy to mourn.

2 Jacob had been dead for almost a week and it was time to bury the body.

3 The funeral was modest but had a nice buffet for eating the sorrows away.

4 Jacob’s favorite song filled the air as men and women cried and children who had never known Jacob sat bored.

5 Esau entered the place of mourning. He felt his presence was necessary. The Family of Jacob saw it otherwise.

6 Sure, he was responsible for a great deal of murder, including the death of Jacob; but gosh darn it, Esau was Jacob’s brother and he going to be at his brother funeral.

7 With each row of seats he passed, Esau could hear the sounds of firearms being readied but Esau continued.

8 Esau made it to the casket of Jacob. He said,

9 I am sorry, brother. I never meant to kill you like this. I wanted to leave you dead in the streets not kill you in the sheets.

10 The Clan of Jacob took Esau’s presences as an insult. The larger women and men lifted themselves from their seats and blocked the doors.

11 A tear for his brother was forming in the corner of Esau’s left eye, when he felt the touch of a hand on his shoulder.

12 You best be getting, Rachel said. Your clan is not welcome here, today.

13 Esau turned around. He saw Rachel standing before him with a clan of enemies at her back.

14 Esau said, I am here to mourn my brother, a rival and enemy, but also my brother. I came to shed a tear or two Just like you.

15 Rachel said, You are the catalyst of death for my family. No love do we have for you.

16 Rachel walked to the front of Esau’s enemies. She said to Esau with hands on her guns, We end this today.

17 The piano player stopped playing his lamentful serenade, packed his keys, black and white, into a bag and snuck out of the funeral gathering.

18 Esau drew. His fire pierced the two beside Rachel in the heart.

19 The clan of Jacob returned fury seven fold.

20 The air became filled with smoke and led. Bullets striking down most who peaked their head out.

21 Esau hid behind Jacob’s body, his brother absorbing his families rage.

22 One by one, Esau picked off the clan of Jacob as he used the corpse of Jacob as a shield.

23 Esau made his way to the exit, his dead brother filled with more led than a child that eats paint.

24 Esau dropped his brother and turned to see the destruction he had brought. In front of him lay the dead and wounded of Jacob.

25 Esau said, I came here to pay my respects and your grudge against me made it impossible. I take my leave but know I have won today.

26 Esau’s face exploded off his skull as he ended the statement. He had miscounted the clan.

27 Behind the faceless body of Esau stood a child, no more than four, holding a shotgun; and out of the gun of babes The Clan of Esau lost their leader and went into disarray.

28 The child dropped the gun and went to his momma. She was dead but her purse was open. The young child went in and grabbed a handful of individually wrapped marzipan.

29 His momma was not going to say no to candy today.

The Bible Goes West

The Return of Jacob and The First Battle of the Clans.

Genesis 16

1 Jacob turned in the mauled body of The Stranger and his reward were great.

2 Word of his catch went far and wide. In only two days, the news of Jacob’s actions reached the wives hunting him.

3 Rachel said to the others, Looks like our husband is wealthy and in a nearby town. Let us go to him and say hello.

4 The Wives rode throughout the day and night. The rush of the hunt kept them awake like good Bolivian marching powder.

5 They reached the town and setup station at all the entrances, keeping a good eye out for their runaway husband. Good, old fashion, robbery and murder was on their mind.

6 Around little after sundown Jacob made himself known to the town. He cried out for drink and company.

7 Jacob erupted from the inn with great gusto; a smile on his face and money in his pocket, his new spurs jingle-jangled all the way to the saloon.

8 Leah was the first to see him. Her bubbling rage made her movements rash and almost gave her position away. Luckily a young strumpet caught Jacob’s eye and focused his attention.

9 Leah followed her husband to the fanciest saloon in town. His appearance garnered cheers from the patrons of the bar. They knew his drunk ass was going to spend way too much money.

10 Leah gathered the other wives and together they came up with a plan.

11 They would pay one of the ladies of the saloon to go home with Jacob. Once distracted by the young flesh he lusted after, The Wives would enter from the window and door thus blocking his escape.

12 As they predicted, Jacob fancied one of the ladies. The Wives found the woman and persuaded her, with a good sum of money, to become intimate with him.

13 After a night of drinking, Jacob was ready to know this young thing. He gathered his things, took a blue pill, and left with the young lady, his Wives in tow.

14 Jacob was lost in the body before him as he entered his inn. He did not notice the two other women following them. He entered his room without noticing the two gunslingers outside his window. He was only looking to breed.

15 Once the young woman had stripped Jacob of clothes and weapon The Wives made their entrances.

16 Female Billy and Zippy crashed through the window; Leah and Rachel kicked open the bedroom door.

17 A naked Jacob screamed, IIIIEEEEEEEEEE

18 Zippy hit him in the dick to stop the fearful cry. Jacob dropped to the ground. Rachel paid the young lady a bonus, telling her to forget what she saw.

19 The four women moved on Jacob. First Leah punched him in square in the face followed by the slap of a gun barrel from zippy. Female Billy grabbed him by the throat and threw him on the floor.

20 Rachel spoke, she said, Howdy husband. It seems you have come upon good times.

21 Jacob said, Hello.

22 Rachel continued, we have been hearing some mighty great things about you. Word on the range is that you collected on the Bounty of He Who Wears The Golden Duster.

23 Rachel went to Jacob’s closet. There she found many a nice jacket and a large bag filled with bank notes. Rachel took the treasure out of the closet and threw it to her allies.

24 Female Billy said unto Jacob, What do we have here? Payment for having your children? It seems a little shy. Female Billy struck Jacob with her gun.

25 The Four Wives of Jacob had toyed with him long enough. Zippy threw a long and thick rope over the ceiling support beam. The other Wives forced Jacob on a chair and strung the rope around his neck.

26 Jacob said, Listen, I messed up. I’ll do anything to make it up to you all. Do you want our children to grow up without a father?

27 Leah spoke, In your absence we bonded over blood and your betrayal. We have talked and we have decided that while the children will have no father, they will have four mothers that love them more than their father.

28 Jacob accepted his fate and without fight he lowered his head and closed his eyes. His Wives pointed their guns at a leg of the chair and began to count down from ten.

29 Birds chirped outside the widow and talk of commerce emanated from the lobby of the Inn. The world did not care about the death of Jacob. Poo-Tee-weet

30 The women reached the count of one and each cocked their gun. They fired as a cannon ball crashed through the roof saving Jacob and throwing everyone aside.

31 Outside, Esau stood proud and overlooking the carnage he caused. He yelled, clan of Jacob! You are on my land. I told you never to return. Now feud!

Genesis 17

1 Esau’s cannon ruptured the Inn where Jacob and his wives were conducting business.

2 Esau said, I told you to get, Jacob. Now you are in my lands with your many concubines. This is an affront to our father and our family.

3 Leah, who raised five children on her own was weary of being called a whore, she erupted with a flurry of shotgun blasts and words.

4 Leah said, I am sick and tired of everyone calling me a whore. Prepare to die, pig!

5 Zippy and Female Billy joined their sister wife in sending lead toward the posse of Esau.

6 Rachel picked up Jacob. She handed him a gun and said, You’ve been the slime of humanity for a long time; at least in the eyes of your wives. Now is your time to not be such a failure and stand with your women against your brother.

7 Jacob said, I am not really good at firing a gun.

8 Before he could show her his accidental, self-inflected, gunshot wound, Rachel threw him up and toward a window for better view of the action.

9 Rachel continued, shoot the clan of Esau dead. They have trespassed against us. Now we trespass all over them. Fire!

10 The Ladies let out a frightening scream and sent fiery lead out. Jacob settled himself and pointed his gun out the window, hoping to hit Esau and end this. He Fired.

11 Jacob’s bullet flew from the barrel and into a nearby waiter’s leg. The Waiter was smoking a cigar while on brake. He looked up at where the bullet came from and caught eyes with Jacob.

12 Jacob looked around nervously. He quietly said sorry and backed away from the window. The Waiter angrily hobbled his way to the doctor.

13 The fighting was getting fierce and Jacob attempted another shot. He lined up his sights on Esau and closed his eyes, praying to hit his target. He fired.

14 Jacob’s bullet flew from his barrel, past Esau and into the shoulder of the Mayor, who was giving a speech to the town. The Mayor’s bodyguards gathered around the frightened mayor.

15 The Mayor cried out, I’ve been shot by my constituents!

16 Jacob dropped the gun, not wanting to shoot anyone else by accident, but when the gun hit the ground hit fired and sent a bullet into the arm of the inn manager.

17 He was going to see what all the noise was about and quickly turned around when hit.

18 He said, I see you guys are busy, I’ll come around later.

19 Eventually the Wives of Jacob were able to cause Esau’s line to break and he retreated.

20 He said, prepare for feud, Jacob. This is my land, given to me by our father. You shall not gain another inch in this territory.

21 I’ll send body after body after you. My ranch is great and the hands owe me many favors. You will kill one of my men and then bam! Another one will be in your closet.

22 Kill that one and one will be in your sock drawer. If you happen to get that one, I’ll have a man waiting in your bathtub. The line will never stop.

22 Should we die of old age, I’ll instruct my clan to take out bounty after bounty against your kin. We will make it a real shady bounty too; It will say “Wanted: Dead” followed by the picture of one of your children or something.

23 The point is, The war is on, brother. The war is on.

The Bible Goes West, by J.E. Tucker

The Family of Jacob and Jacob’s Fight With The Stranger.

Genesis 14

1 Jacob developed a drinking problem.

2 After his claim to the family land was refused, Jacob wondered from saloon to saloon consummating with every whore he could; and some smaller, slower, animals.

3 Jacob found a saloon so sordid you could enter the rear in both saloon and prostitute.

4 He spent many nights exploring many carnal pleasures. Eventually he got to known the women of the brothel by name and one woman well, Rachel.

5 Rachel was one hell of a whore. Knees calloused from use, boobs the size of cannon shot, a butt you could clean your gun on.

6 He kissed her many times on her upper and lower lips. And soon Rachel was with child.

7 Rachel gave birth to Jojo; and then Benji. Jacob loved his family for a few years but drinking and floozin’ caught up with him.

8 Jacob had been foolin’ around with Female Billy and she had two offspring by Jacob: Dan Boy and Droopy face.

9 Jacob was also sleeping with Female Billy’s sister, Zippy. She had that thickness Jacob could not ignore. They had two stupid children named Gad and Asher.

10 Before all this, Jacob already had 5 children with a woman by the name of Leah. Jacob only knew two of their names.

11 One night, after hours of drinking and calling out to young women, Jacob noticed there were many carriages stopped outside his home.

12 Not knowing who was on his property Jacob readied his irons but was too drunk to load them properly.

13 With both guns half loaded, Jacob kicked open his door and began to fire wildly into the living room.

14 He sprayed bullets sporadically, never knowing if his weapons would fire deadly lead or just click, providing no satisfaction.

15 The smoked cleared and there sat Jacob’s five ladies, looking angry as a hog with no slop.

16 Rachel said to Jacob, You lying cheat! And Rachel threw the tea pot at his head, barely missing.

17  Female Billy charged at him, her nails scratching at his flesh exchanging his sin for pain.

18 Zippy followed her sister with a hot-iron and brought it to Jacob’s head.

19 Leah, who had been standing over the violence with great glee, stopped the assault. She walked over to Jacob’s bruised and bloodied body.

20 Leah bent and whispered in his ear, I thought there were no others?

21 She stood straight up and spit in his face. She said to her gang, Finish it.

22 The wives of Jacob moved to end the work they had begun but quick Jacob thought of an excuse.

23 Jacob pleaded, Hey now. I know what you all must be thinking, I am a no good. Maybe even despicable. But what if I were to tell you I was only following the Law of the Judge?

24 Female Billy punched Jacob square in the jaw saying, There has been no law in this land since Abraham spit in God’s general direction after the Judge accused Isaac of being a scoundrel!

25 Zippy followed, Do not lie to us. If you want to live.

26 Jacob continued, I swear! The Judge came down from a great hill and said I must sire as many children with as many women as possible to battle my brother and take claim to his ranch… Yeah. I swear. 

27 Rachel said to Jacob, That is very tall tale you are trying to push through the door.

28 She brought her gun to his temple, I would love to believe you my husband but you sit there bloody and bruised with no proof.

29 Jacob spoke, Let me get you proof! I will go to the judge and get an order from his courts to show you.

30 Rachel knew he was lying but beating a wounded man to death was losing its glamour. She talked to the other wives and they agreed to give him one week to acquire a decree from the judge.

31 Jacob left the homestead and went into the wilderness to find the court of the Judge. Jacob’s wives prepared to hunt their shared husband should he fail to return. It was going to be fun.

Genesis 15

1 For three days, Jacob wondered the woods, getting as far as possible from the women he loved.

2 Upon the end of the week, Jacob was many miles from those he wished to flee.

3 Jacob found a saloon on the frontier he had never seen before and decided to get drink.

4 The clientele of the establishment gave the house of liquor a unique musk, strong to Jacob’s nose. He moved to the bar and ordered.

5 A group of natives entered the establishment and sat next to Jacob. They were talking about a bounty which their friends could not complete. A hunt once completed would reward the mighty with a Judge’s ransom.

6 The natives left and Jacob asked the Bartender about the hunt.

7 The Bartender said, up by the cliffs, the ones that look like the face of an old man pooping, is the hangout of a wanted man so bad and great all those whom have tried to collect are dead and buried in the snow.

8 Jacob asked, how do I take part of this hunt? A judge’s fortune would help me with my troubles. I have a few women trying to kill me.

9 The tender replied, I suggest you get a job if you want safe money but if you are willing to risk the danger I will not attempt to stop another fool from bounty. I’ve got people to serve.

10 The pusher of drink reached under the counter and grabbed the last bounty writ and gave it to Jacob.

11 The Bartender said, this is a writ written by the Judge himself. With this you shall have the power to bring in the fugitive, alive or dead.

12 Jacob accepted the note and left to purchase tools for the job. He had little money but the prospect of a fortune caused him to spend what little he had.

13 A cheap firearm was acquired, along with rope. A day of rations and a tarp to fashion a simple tent used up the rest of the Jacob’s funds.

14 The general store clerk tried to talk Jacob out of his adventure but Jacob said to the clerk, I succeed or I die, from bandit or wife.

15 The clerk did not know what that meant and did not want to get involved any further. When Jacob left the store the clerk called his son into the room. He said to his son,

16 Son, You cannot help everyone but you can take their money for goods and services before they die.

17 Jacob left the town and entered the pass which the dangerous villain had token hold.

18 The pass had two massive cliffs on both right and left. Loose rocks fell from the sides as coyotes hunted road runners.

19 Jacob was not sure where to find the bounty and tried to sneak his way through the trail

20 The pass was silent, save for the fauna scurrying around the scene.

21 Two hours into the pass, Jacob came across the signs of a small camp.

22 Evidence of a fire remained, as well as human tracks without a pack animal. The single human tracks went East, into the woods of Jabbok.

23 At the entrance of the dark forest, Jacob found another camp. With ash still warm. In the fire Jacob found the end of a cigar. He brought it to his limps and puffed the cherry to life. Jacob’s pray was close.

24 Not far into the trees there was a small cliff. On it stood a man in a golden brown duster.

25 Jacob said to the man, You be the man on this bounty?

26 Jacob threw the writ to the feet of The Stranger. Without looking at the paper the man said, Yes.

27 He continued, I know you have come to collect on my head. But I warn you, make a move on me and I shall send you to the grave with lead inside. Then I’ll come for your family.

28 Jacob shit himself. Even if he did not want to be with them, he truly wished no harm to his wives and his children.

29 Foolishly, Jacob put his shaking hand on his gun. The rattling on the metal alerted The Stranger to Jacob’s action.

30 The Stranger said, Alright. You have decided your fate, boy. I’ll give you to the count of ten before I put one square between your beady little eyes.

31 The stranger counted up from one. His voice caused Jacob to shake through his whole body. His trembling boot spurs echoed throughout the entire forest.

32 The Stranger was now at five. Jacob kept shaking. In both participates minds, Jacob was a dead man.

33 The Stranger counted reached 10 and he drew on Jacob. Before the hammer could connect with the bullet, a cougar came out of the trees and landed on The Stranger’s neck, killing him instantly.

34 Jacob screamed, Holy shit! And Hid behind a tree. He enemy had been defeated by The West. He was safe from The Stranger. However, the beast was now devouring the proof Jacob needed so badly.

35 The son of Isaac pulled out his gun and aimed it at the animal. He pulled the trigger and missed short by many yards. The lead ball bounced off the rocky ground, scaring the cougar into the wild, but coming back to Jacob and striking him in the thigh.

36 Jacob gathered the body and made his way slowly back to town; and from that day on, Jacob walked with a gansta lean.

The Bible Goes West

The Hanging of Isaac; and The Feud of Jacob and Esau

Genesis 13

1 On a dusty afternoon, the Judge God decided to see exactly how loyal Abraham was; and he said, Behold, I have ridden here.

2 The Judge continued, I think your son is a no-good, cheating, thief. I need you to enact the Law of the West upon him. You shall hang him from the highest tree and let your son swing in the wind for the sins he has committed.

3 Abraham Accepted. The next morning the mortal servant of God rose early and took: two of his hands; a long length of rope; his trusty six shooters; and his condemned, sinful, son.

4 They rode for two days, far enough so Sarai could not save her only spawn.

5 Abraham told his hands, Wait here with the horses. The boy and I are going to have a little talk by the hanging tree.

6 He took the rope and the boy and marched up the hill to the tree.

7 Isaac said to his dad, Why we going to the hanging tree without a bandit? Is there a hanging going on right now? I want marzipan!

8 Abraham said, shut up boy! Of course a hanging is going to happen. Why would we be going to the hanging tree if there was not going to be a hanging? The patch of saw-toothed sunflowers?

9 Isaac shut up. He did not want to be beat by Abraham again. They reached the Tree of Hangings and Abraham tied a noose and threw it over the strongest branch.

10 Abraham drew his gun and pointed the barrel at his son. Isaac was shocked and froze in his place.

11 Isaac said, What is going on, pa? Why do you point your weapon at me?

12 Abraham said, I know you are a thief. The Judge told me about your sins and instructed me to punish you.

13 Isaac pleaded with his father, I have no idea what you refer. I have been a good boy, working on the farm and caring for the cattle. I just wanted to see a hanging and eat some marzipan!

14 Abraham forced the young boy into the noose, tears running down Isaac’s faces. A lone crow flew to the tree and sat atop the highest branch; watching the scene below.

15 Abraham placed a chair under his son and tightened the tension on the rope. Isaac’s head forced up because of the pull.

16 Abraham said to Isaac, I am sorry son but the Judge has commanded enact the Justice of the West upon you. For you are a sinner, a cheat, and a thief.

17 Isaac said, Pa! I love you.

18 Abraham fired his gun at the chair striking a leg and causing the platform to tilt. Abraham fired again and hit another leg.

19 Isaac carefully balanced himself between the noose and the chair holding him up. Again, Abraham pointed his weapon at the stand supporting his son.

20 Abraham cocked his gun. As he fired the voice of the Judge God thundered across the sky.

21 The Judge said, Save your son!

22 Isaac’s weight collapsed the damaged chair and the pull on his neck was great.

23 Abraham threw himself under his son and become a new platform to give his son the support to survive.

24 Abraham turned to sun and saw the Judge, riding down from the top of the hill.

25 The Judge said, Abraham I have good news. I was wrong and my riders found the real thief.

26 Abraham, who had almost hung his son, said to the Judge, What!?

27 The Judge God said, It was a case of mistaken identity. The only witness described your son but luckily this man confessed when caught red-handed robbing the general store again.

28 The Judge’s riders brought their prisoner to the hanging tree and put him in the place of Isaac.

29 Abraham was replaced with another stool and he went to his son. Isaac would not have anything to do with Abraham and ran home.

30 Abraham said to the Judge, Good job, Judge. I almost killed my son because you accused the wrong guy.

31 Abraham looked at the thief to see he did not closely resemble Isaac; 2 feet taller, permanent five-o’clock shadow, deep scar or his face with a glass eye.

32 Abraham continued, do not come by me and my kin again and we shall not come by yours. If you do, I’ll have a shot gun waiting for you.

33 Abraham walked away from the Judge. Hoping to make up to his son for almost hanging him when all Isaac wanted was to enjoy a day with his father and eat some marzipan.

Genesis 14

1 Isaac found a woman called Rebecca and he did fancy her very much.

2 Their shared fancy created Esau, and then Jacob.

3 When Isaac was 80 the ownership of his ranch came into question. Esau, born first was the rightful heir but Jacob was jealous.

4 One cattle drive, the weather turned and snow fell heavy in the valley. Jacob had prepared for the worst. Esau had not.

5 During the lowest point of the night freeze, Esau asked his brother, Please help me. I am unprepared for the cold and will die.

6 Jacob knew this was the time to strike and said to his brother, I will help you, for you are my brother, but know that everyman must pay for what he needs.

7 I will help you if you give me your birth right to our pa’s ranch.

8 Esau did not like this contract but knew he would be dead without help. Esau agreed.

9 When they returned Jacob informed Isaac what had transpired. Isaac was angry.

10 He punched Jacob in the face, saying, you take from your own kin on the verge of death!? You are no good and from this point on I shall not give you anything.

11 Jacob left the ranch, his claim to power refused.

12 Before his departing, Jacob met with Esau.

13 Esau, spit at Jacob’s feet upon his arrival.

14 Esau said, What business you got here? You are no brother of mine for you tried to take from me at the door of death. I am glad our father has disowned you.

15 Jacob replied, The Judge will see who the rightful heir of this ranch is. Even with your birthright, just a little accident could refrain you from herding all these cattle.

16 One day you could just fall or your horse and hit your head on a rock. There are so many ways for one to die here in the west.

17 Esau understood his brother’s threat and replied, Next time you speak to me have your hand on your gun for I will be aiming for your heart pig.

18 Get gone. From here we shall be at feud; my clan and yours. Should you try and bring harm to my door, I shall bring it sevenfold to you Homestead.

19 Jacob left and the feud had started. For several years bullets flew from house to house.

20 Jacob and Esau both took wives and had children; each fighting for their family’s honor.

The Bible Goes West

Sarai, Abraham and the Destruction of Boulder

Genesis 11

1 The Judge appeared on the hottest day of the year; and rode to the town of Cheyenne with two riders in cow-hide dusters. His speed so great, Tornados manifested in his absences and destroyed few farms and sent a young girl to faraway land.

2 Abraham lifted his head from the piles of cow patty and saw three men by him in the field. He wondered why they were standing with him in the fields of droppings.

3 Abraham said, Would you like to leave this field? I have been “blessed” with cattle and they just shit everywhere.

4 Abraham used air-quotes as  wide as the sky so his guests could visibly see the irony of his statement.

5 The Judge God said, I am the Judge you made contract with, boy. Now what did you want to say about being “blessed”?

6 The judge god pulled out two six-shooters to show Abraham if he used air-quotations again 12 bullets would enter is skull.

7 Abraham noticed the silver guns of the judge and apologized profusely.

8 He said, Let me throw feast for you, to make right your greeting from me.

9 The Judge God said, Where is your wife, Sarai? And Abraham said, In the main house.

10 The Judge said, Good. Take my two riders and slaughter us some meat for dinner. I am going to meet with your wife.

11 The Judge moved toward the house and Abraham, with The Judge’s two riders, entered the herd of cattle to find one for dinner.

12 Sarai was in the kitchen and looking mighty fine in the Judge’s opinion. He lingered on the lower half of her body.

13 The Judge God said, Mmmmm looks like your meat is ready for salting.

14 Sarai was startled. Last man to talk to her like that was a thief and she shot him. She asked, what is your business here, Horn Toad?

15 The Judge replied, I apologize. I am the Judge of this territory, I am here to give you child.

16 Sarai said to the Judge, I cannot have child and everyone in the valley knows that. I have taken the seed of Abraham, and a few of his hands, many times but to no avail.

17 The Judge said back, well I judged many a pig-breeding contest in this territory and I know that pig and human are different, but you are pregnant.

18 Sarai Laughed.

19 The Judge burst with anger, You laugh at my judgment? I am the Judge. For that I curse you to give birth to a real hell raiser.

20 You will constantly be dealing the misadventures of your offspring. Your child will fall into holes and swing sticks at bee’s nest. When you tell your offspring to stay clean they will become muddy and track it throughout the house. Have fun.

21 With that the Judge left Sarai’s house. Abraham and the Judge’s two hands were returning with a cow of great girth.

22 The Judge said to Abraham, Come here and leave my hands to dress and clean your meat. I must speak with you.

23 Abraham and the judge walked to a large hill and stared out of the valley.

24 The Judge said, I am going to destroy the city of Boulder. They are no good; man, woman, and child. I have placed box upon box of dynamite under the town and intend to kill them all.

25 Abraham gasped at the scope of the Judge’s destruction. He said, But lord, why?

26 The judge said, They have done wrong by me. They mock the laws of the land and must be punished. Because their mocking is so great, so shall their destruction!

27 Abraham said, What about the good people? Not sleeping with whores and cheating at cards!

28 The Judge declared, I am destroying them all! Stupid city-slickers.

29 Abraham attempted to talk reason to the lord, Now come on. You are a just judge, Judge. Unlike Judge Pilner, who let the Miller gang go free, again.

30 The Judge cooled his temper and said, You’re right. I will send my two hands into the city and find those who are good.

31 If they find no one I am lighting the fuse. Those whom are good shall be found and safe, if they follow the will of my hands.    

32 The Judge lifted his finger toward the town of Boulder. His riders mounted their horses and galloped into the coming night.

33 The judge turned to Abraham, he said, Let what will happen be a lesson to you as well Abraham, do not mock me or my laws.

Genesis 11

1 The Judge’s Riders entered Boulder in the middle of the night. Lot was at the gate of the city trying to sell hides to merchants leaving for faraway lands.

2 Lot saw the Judge’s Rider. He knew it was them from the cow-hide dusters they wore. Lot said, What are you doing here? This is a place of sin? Wait! You come to dispense justice? They’re going to be a hanging?!

3 They replied, Nah, the Judge is done with hangings.

4 Lot coaxed the Riders of the Judge into his house and feed them a decent meal of steak and potatoes.

5 However, after the Judge’s Riders entered the city and the abode of Lot, the guards of the city spread word of two mysterious riders with fancy coats.

6 Within hours of their arrival, all the people of Boulder, and many from Firestone, enveloped house of Lot. They banged on his door and made demands.

7 They said, give us the two riders you have in your house for they have the nicest dusters we’ve heard about and we wish to take them and wear them.

8 Lot said, I beg you, leave my guests alone and let me make you jackets for free. I deal in hides and I can make you fine leather.

9 The Mob said, open the door, lot! We do not want your crummy leather, we want those two fine skins those riders are wearing.

10 Lot spoke, how do you even plan to share two coats amongst you? You are many and they are two?

11 A single voice rose from the crowd, We got that all worked out: Karl and lenny here, they get the coats on the first Monday of every alternating month; Bruce and Malden get the coats the first Mondays of the month Karl and Lenny do not have it; unless it is a holiday, then Mitch and Phil get the coats because they are trying to impress the saloon waitress…

12 The explanation went on for some time but they had, in fact, organized a way for 200 people to share two well-made coats equally.

13 The two Riders knew that there was only one way out of this situation.  They moved Lot from the door and told him to follow close.

14 The Riders said, do not stray or look back toward the city. Its rivers will run red with blood and black from powder.

15 Lot gathered his wife and children. The Riders shouted, you got one chance to clear a path; for if you stand in our way only bullets shall you receive.

16 The Riders kicked the door off its hinges, and began sending lead into all that block their path. Their speed was so quick the sound of reloading could not be heard.

17 They fought down street after street, making their way to the gates of Boulder. Blood, brains, and bullet casings littered the ground.

18 Once the Riders and the family of Lot made it past the gates, they signaled The Judge to light the fuse.

19 The fuse carried the will of the Judge down the hill and under the city. A fiery explosion killed all the Riders had not.

20 Lot and his family ran as fast as they could to escape the fires but Lot’s wife turned to see the destruction and a barrel of salt fell from the sky and crashed onto her.

21 Lot rushed to her but all he could find in the rubble was a pile of salt and wood.

22 Lots daughters grabbed their father and forced him up and onward to the land of Fort Collins.

23 There they lived for many years with no cattle but with a nice field with cabbage, carrots, and potatoes.

The Bible Goes West

Sarai, Abraham, and Hagar; and The Great Brand of God

Genesis 8

1 After these things, The Judge came to Abraham in a Fiery Vision, saying, Fear Not Abraham. I am they Shield, and thy exceeding great reward.

2 And Abraham Said, Judge God, What have you rewarded me, seeing as I am childless, people are thinking I cannot sire.

3 My ranch hands mock my lack of fruit, even though I have chosen them to carry on my work.

4 The word of the Judge went as follows, They are help and inherent they shall not; for he that shall come forth from your bowels shall be thy heir.

5 The Judge took Abraham out into a new and great field, saying, Look toward the heaven. Count the stars.

6 Abraham started to count.  Upon reaching the number one-hundred-eight, God stopped Abraham as this rhetorical question and Abraham was too dumb to know it.

7 Judge God said, I have taken you from the great land of Cheyenne to show you this land I am giving to you.

8 Abraham said, How shall I know I inherit this land?

9 The Judge responded, Because I have just told you these lands are yours.

10 Did a heifer kick you in the head? Now leave this place and bring your family here. From this place all of the west shall get supplies.

11 Abraham said, what shall I call this land?

12 The Judge said, You shall call it Denver and it shall be a land of plenty.

13 But be warned you and your kin will be strangers in a land that is not theirs. Four generations shall you toil before the crops will be of decent weight.

14 Judge God vanished. Abraham walked home, preparing for another wagon ride into the west.

Genesis 9

1 Now Sarai, Abraham’s wife bore him no children for her hips could carry no child; but she had a handmaid by the name of Hagar.

2 Sarai said to Abraham, Now look. The Judge has restrained me from bearing your seed. I suggest, if you require an heir, to take my maid and I shall just steal her children as my own.

3 Abraham, who had always fancied a polyamorous relationship, agreed.

4 Abraham spent ten days agreeing to his wife’s wishes. On the morning of the tenth day, Hagar vomited last night’s chuck. She was more pregnant then a breeding sow.

5 Upon learning this Sarai become jealous. She said unto Abraham, May the Judge punish you for your sin!

6 Abraham said, whoa, this was your idea! I am literally doing what you told me! If this angers you then take back your maid.

7 Sarai grabbed hold of Hagar and brought her behind the barn. The sounds of violence filled the air. Hagar, now with a child to protect fled from her mistress.

8 After fleeing Sarai and her seekers, a marshal of the Judge God found Hagar by a small pond in the wilderness, on way to Boulder.

9 He said to Hagar, Where do you think you are going?

10 Hagar responded, I am a slave and will not be beat again. My child will be born free and I shall be free as well.

11 The marshal pointed his gun at Hagar and said, Return to your mistress and submit to her hands.

12 Your mistress has your best interests at heart. She keeps you feed, clothed, and safe. 

13 Hagar responded to the Marshal, No. I am on the run but I am free here; as is my son. And we intend not to return.

14 The Marshal laughed and moved to grab the arm of Hagar.

15 Hagar said, do not  come closer or I shall unleash fire and lead into you.

16 Hagar pulled out a gun she had stolen from Abraham.

17 The Marshal said, you have not the guts to fire that cannon. Should you try you will probably fall back and break your skull.

18 The Marshal moved on Hagar but to his surprise she fired six bullets true into his belly. The sounds echoed through the wilderness.

19 Hagar knew the sound carried far and she continued to run into the unknown mountain range known has Freedom.

20 The Marshal was found hours after. His cries of pain frightened children.

21 His wounds has festered and turned black. There was no saving the Judge’s Marshal but he was to delirious to know.

22 He cried, save me, as the people of Abraham put the merciful bullet in his brain.

23 Abraham’s riders, from that day on, carried no slave. For even slave can wield the power and fury of the Judge God to strike against their master.

Genesis 10

1 When Abraham was 99-years-old, the Judge God rode to the ranch and said, I am the judge of this territory. Walk with me.

2 And I will make a contract with you and your cattle dealings, and will multiply them greatly.

3 Abraham could not believe his ears, The Judge continued,

4 As For me, Behold, my covenant is with you and your kin. You shall be a man with many heads for sale.

5 So many, your children must leave your home to settle new land for the beasts of life.

6 This contract between me and you will be everlasting, and I will give you the lands next to the Rockies to fulfill this contract.

7 This is my request, for my blessing to your cattle ventures in this region; Every steer and heifer be branded.

8 You shall brand the rear of the beasts with hot iron once they have matured, every cow your claim.

9 Every cow born and bought.

10 Abraham said to the Judge, I will do this for you my lord but more cows are not my dream.

11 The Judge God looked  at Abraham, confused and angered his blessing was not approved.

12 Abraham keep talking before the Judge could yell, I want a son to carry on my ranch.

13 The judge god understood the rancher’s dreams for he as well was without prodigy.

14 The Judge said to Abraham, If you complete your part of the contract I will give you a son.

15 Abraham said to God, But my wife cannot bare child for her hips are too small and she would die.

16 That is why I impregnated Hagar but she ran off to freedom. Alas I will be without son and heir.

17 The Judge said to Abraham, I will move things at the court house to make this happen.

18 You will have an heir but first you must work hard. Every bovine in your claim must have my mark.

19 Abraham spent the next year branding his cows. The work was hard and many of his hands did not have the endurance.

20 Abraham was powered by gods promise and beginning of the next cattle-drive Sarai was pregnant.

 

J.E. Tucker, in Honor of being added to the Sexpot Podcast Network, created a new Christmas Special for generations to enjoy. Hymns, guests, Conversion to Jesus Christ! This special has them all. Sit back with some hot coco, the bible, and enjoy this future Christmas Classic.

 

Songs (In order of playing)

Little Shotgun Boy

Buy, they told me,

Ba Bang Bang Bang Bang

Our new 12 gage to shoot,

Ba Bang Bang Bang Bang

Grade A ammo to load,

Ba Bang Bang Bang Bang

To Wield before demo-crates,

Ba Bang Bang Bang Bang

Ba Bang Bang Bang,

Ba Bang Bang Bang

 

O' Rightious Ford

O Righteous Ford! Your lights are brightly shin ing

It is the night and we can still brand our steers

Long is the work and your battry’s barely drain ing

Til you appeared all our cattle were  not branded.

A thrill of hope the heifers will soon be at market

For yonder breaks

All the hard work shall be done

Rely! on your tow package!

For it will help immensely!

 

Hark The Herald Angel Sings (Try and rip me from my tree)

 

Hark the herald angel sings

"Try to rip me from my tree"

God will punish sinners with lead

For trying to remove the angel’s head

Joyful all ye with a tree

That has an angel up there

moxie n vigor proclaim

"The Angel stays, upon my tree"

Hark the herald angel sings

"My gun agrees with what I say"

 

It's The Most Wonderful Time of The Year (J.E. Tucker and Son Version)

It's the most wonderful time of the year

With the kids jingle belling

And everyone telling you be of good cheer

It's the most wonderful time of the year

 

It's the hap-happiest season of all

With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings

When friends come to call

It's the most wonderful time of the year

 

Have a Merry Christmas!

The Bible Goes West

The Saloon of Babel and the Rescue of Lot

Genesis 6

1 The Family of Noah repopulated the range.

2 And it came to pass, as they rode west, that they found the Great Plains at the feet of the Rockies, and they dwelt there.

4 They said one to another, let’s build us a city with a saloon, whose spirits be pulled from heaven; and let us make us a brand, lest our cattle be scattered across the entire range.

5 The Judge God came down to see the city and the saloon, where the men of the town got drink.

6 And the judge God said, Behold, the people are one, they are united by this spirit; and now nothing will be restrained from them, with imagination.

7 Let us go down, and poison their drink, that they may not understand one another and argue.

8 So the Judge God waited until the dead of night and snuck into the brewing barn of the saloon. With a few drops, God cursed humans to a future of drunken fights and many mistakes.

9 The next night, when work was done, and the sun had set, the people of the town had entered the saloon for a night of relaxing.

With each drink, they lost their tongues. Their joy turned to confusion, then anger. The location of their horse was lost. They wandered, confounded, cursing, as they entered the night.

10 The people went into the night and never found there home.

Eventually they found wood in the wilderness and build wagons. In the wilderness the scattered people also found horses capable of being tamed.

The land was filled with hostile natives, and attacks were plentiful. Still the journey continued in all directions.

Night after Night, Week after Week, Month after month, the men and women walked. They walked until ten settled anew.

Genesis 7

1 Few wagons, ten in all, made it to new lands; the country side, once pure, now littered with the skeletons of those people and wagons which could continue no further.

2 The Wagon of Abraham, was blessed on their journey and survive the winter, hunted by hungry wolves.

3 They survived the bandit pass and journeyed through the waterless desert.  They entered a small valley rich in roots and pack animals. They stopped for a night’s rest from the trail.

4 By dawn’s rose-light, Abraham saw that the land was good. Dark soil for farming, green grass for cattle, a fresh creek for human and beast to quench their thirst.

5 The work was hard but after years of work they settled the land of Cheyenne. His family sat on the porch each night, contemplating the good work they have done. The heifer’s where in the barn, and horses in their stables, and chickens were roosted.

6 For four decades the valley housed the family of Abraham; but on the forty-first year feud begin

7 Ranch hands of Lot, nephew of Abraham, and harvesters of Abraham started to squabble for the needs of the two pressed against the other like a spur in the side.

8 Abraham said to Lot, We are blood. We should not be feuding over land. Why can we not share the valley.

9 Lot replied, The valley is not big enough for the both of us. My cattle need the land for grazing or they shall starve, and their meat  is already sinewy and tough to eat.

10 Abraham said; the wheat they eat makes our bread, the corn and potato thickens our stews, and the sarsaparilla becomes our soda.

11 Lot finished Abraham’s words, And the cow becomes the meat of the meal. My trail boss has found a suitable valley three day’s ride from here. My Family is leaving. We are going to Boudler and should you try to stop us I have six lead arguments for you to hear.

12 Abraham let Lot leave.

13 Months has passed when Abraham heard word of Lot again. A traveling snake oil salesmen came into the valley, bloodied and bruised.

14 Abraham said to the merchant, what has become of you?

15 The Tonic Salesman recounted a tale of robbery and ambush. Of a mountain pass with narrow sides and bullets which fell down.

16 Abraham asked of Lot. The Snake Oilman told of Lot and his family’s capture and their holding not far from Abraham.

17 On word of his nephews capture, Abraham rode the town, gathering the surliest cowboys he could find. All he found have shot, all he found had been shot.

18 Abraham made a posse of 13, 12 riders and himself, and rode into the night. He rode onto the bandit’s camp in the dead of night. Everyone was asleep.

19 Lot, who was tied to a log outside a tent, saw his former riders and signaled as to the location of the sleeping thieves.

20 With knowledge in hand, Abraham moved his riders into position. 13 riders divided 4 guns to three tents. Abraham moved freely between the tents.

21 The posse looked at each other. Abraham signaled the cowboys to draw their guns. With each weapon aimed, Abraham looked to the sky and said, May the good Judge God find us innocent of murder.

22 Their weapons struck like lightning and red water flowed from the tent to form a great puddle of blood.

23 Abraham rode back with the bandit’s spoils but without Lot. Abraham said to Lot, why do you not join me back on the ranch. You can care for the cattle.

24 Lot replied, a man must make his own way. And a man who doesn’t make his own trail is doomed to live a life not his.

25 Without saying goodbye, Lot returned to the town of Boulder.

The Bible Goes West

The Bible from J.E. Tucker.

Cain and Able, and the Great Deluge.

Genesis 4

1 The Trail Boss eventually learned the skill from the sharpshooter; upon seeing the passing of technique Cain came to Dodge.

2 And she attracted his brother Abel. Abel was a gunsmith, while Cain could shoot the eye out of an owl with both hands from 50 paces.

3 Eventually the town dance came to pass; and Cain, taught by the first sharpshooter, brought his skill and performed skilled shot after skilled shot.  Wooing the crowd.

4 After, Abel brought the first gun he smithed.; large and prone to jamming. The Judge respected the design, and the two gunsmiths talked.

5 Unto Cain and his skill the Judge God had seen but shown no respect. Cain was angry and his hand fell to his holster.

6 Judge God said unto Cain, Thou hand is on thy weapon. Art thou ready to die? God spit unto the earth staring Cain in the eyes.

7 If Thou wants a fight, all thou must do is accept. And if be quick thou might do well. Sin makes the hand slow. And those whom are slow are ruled by death.

8 Cain stared Judge God down. God faced Cain square. Cain drew. Striking before the Judge God could make action. Not the Judge God he struck but Abel, who ran between the two focused fighters.

9 The Judge God cried, No! Cain looked at God and said, I didn’t see him.

10 God held the body of Abel and said thou blood has painted the ground red. To Cain he said, You have shed your brother’s life.

11d Now I place a bounty on your head, which every law man in the dodge territory shall be tempted by.

12 When you enter a new town a bulletin shall be placed in every marshal’s board. You shall never get drink in any saloon.

13 Cain said unto the Judge, My punishment is greater than I can bear.

14 You hast driven me into being dry in every bar in the territory; Those who find me I shall force death upon me.

15 The Judge said to him, therefore whoever kills you shall be cursed to be hunted by those who hunt you. A brand I shall give you, so any who find shall know to bring in alive.

16 Cain was given a horse and allowed three days ride before the bounty was placed. He rode west beyond the jurisdiction of heaven’s Lawmen.

The Great Deluge

Genesis 5

1 After generations Noah came to Dodge.

2 Judge God said to Noah, My town has strayed from my laws. The male and female, all now unclean from the stinking mud of the town.

3 They no longer farm, or maintain the ranch. The wild has entered Dodge. The town as it stands is rustlers and bandits.

4 Noah looked at God, He said, what is thy plan? A town full of corruption. I can do nothing to change it.

5 And God gave him the plan.

6 The Judge God taught the good Noah his plan. Up in the valley a dam was built to hold back the valley waters, producing the good land which the people of Dodge no longer yielded.

7 Noah moved his family to the high ridge and built a small ranch at its top. He said to them, hide in here and turn off the light. I must destroy the dam and bring the cleansing waters to the land of Dodge.

8 Should anyone from the town come looking for me, shot them dead at the door, for they look to stop the will of the Judge God.

9 As planned, Noah climbed the valley walls until he found a stray pack mule. In its packs where sticks upon sticks of Dynamite. 777 in total.

10 The dam was unwatched. Everyone in the town was singing and drinking to new debaucheries. Noah placed the dynamite at the weak points found by god.

11 Noah connected the fuses and bought it to safe ground. He said unto God, Here is your will Judge.

12 Before he could ignite the fuse he heard the familiar sound of a cocked-gun. Noah turned to see his eldest son ready to use a gun against his own father.

13 Noah’s offspring said to Noah, I can’t let you do this pa. The town of Dodge is going to remain.

14 I’ve too much stock in the goings ons of the town to let you flood my livelihood.

15 Noah said to his son, You better be ready to pull the trigger. Few men have pointed a gun at your father and lived.

16 Noah, who recently came to Dodge, rode with the Devil and fired upon the good of the earth before finding the error of his ways.

17 The longshot-killer of Texas, The Cold steel of Death, The Butcher of Denver, These titles all belonged to the Noah before his child knew life.

18 Noah’s son did not put down his down and began to aim for his father’s heart.  Instinctually, Noah lifted his gun and unloaded his chamber into his victim.

19 Noah’s son fell to the ground; his eyes never closing, always staring at his father. Noah turned around. The death of his son was too much to watch.

20 As his son lie dying, Noah continued with the destruction of Dodge. He Pulled out a cigar and lit it. After a few puffs he brought the cherry to the end of the fuse and started the countdown.

21 The explosion shook the earth and water rushed into the valley looking to make all flesh in its way dead, every foul human which touched the waters.

22 All in Dodge, their nostrils was filled with water, died.

23 After the destruction, Noah went to his son’s body and lifted him into his arms.

24 Every living soul in the valley had vanished from the book of life.

25 Only Noah’s family survived.

The Bible Goes West

The Creation and the Fall.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

The earth was without form and void and rustled God’s cattle.  The spirit of God moved upon the face of the earth; and shot him.

God said, let there be vengeance; and vengeance was reaped.

God saw the vengeance, that it was good. And God divided the right from the wrong.

God called the Right His Riders, and the Wrong His Bounties. And Dusk til Dawn was the first ride.

God said, let there be a line in the dirt and let it divide those who ride with me and those whom cross me.

God made a line with the barrel of his rifle, and seven righteous stepped to his side; from the world of wrong, they soon would right. And it was so.

And God called the righteous Heaven’s Hellions. And Dusk til Dawn was the second ride.

God said, let my bounties gather unto one place, and let a town appear.  And it was so.

God called the town Dodge; and gathered together the brush and logs and let a fortification appear; and God saw it was good.

God said, Come forth Cowards, and yield your guns; and if you yield not good fruit prepare to die at the hands of your maker;

And it was so.

The Wrong Brought forth flying lead and God and his riders took cover, and the first lull in fire the Heaven’s Hellions fired upon the farmers of bad fruit, striking them all; and God said that it was good.

And Dusk til dawn was the third ride.

God Said, We ride for justice but have no firmament to give light upon the search, and it was so.

God made two great lights; the Greater Light to help the day search and a lesser light to add in the night hunt.

God placed the lights into the sky and give light to the ride.

And they rode day and over the night, to search for evil to smite: and God saw that it was good.

Dusk til Dawn was the forth ride.

God Said, I’m hungry.  Let’s go to the waters and hunt fowl for breakfast; and the fowl flew over head. God shot them from the heavens.

And God created pigs and all the other breakfast meats and slew them for a great meal. And god saw it was good.

God blessed the animals, saying, here is fruit, horse; eat and multiply so we have pack animals to carry the bodies.

Dusk til Dawn was the fifth ride.

God Said, let the ride continue for wicked creatures creepeth upon the earth and do wrong against me. God left some of his riders to hold law at dodge: and it was so.

God made towns to restock the ride, and saloons to give his riders rest, and doctors to carve bullets from flesh: and God saw that it was good.

God said, let us make cowboys in our image, and let them have dominion over the towns, and over saloons, and over the brothels, and over the whole of the west, and every creeping villain upon the desert.

So God created the cowboy in his own image; male and female he created them.

And god blessed them, and said unto them, raise cattle and shoot all who rustle them. Have dominion over your land and over all living on your property.

God said, Here children, I have given you every herb bearing seed to feed your cattle and every tree to hang your hat; to you it shall be a ranch.

And every beast of the earth, protect them from rustlers for they are food and livelihood.

God saw everything that he has made and it was very good.

Dusk til Dawn were the sixth ride.

2

Thus the heavens and earth were finished, and knew vengeance and law.

And on the seventh day Judge God ended his ride and built a new gun.

And Judge God blessed the gun and sanctified it: because his skill was superb. It was never to jam and quick to reload.  And he placed the steel in the town of Dodge.

Judge God then placed the cowboys in Dodge and gave them the great River Colorado and its sister streams.

The first was the Platte, encompassing the Colorado Territory, where Gold would be found and fought.

The name of the second river is Cherry: and it compasseth the whole of Wyoming.

The third river is The Rio Grande which goeth toward the south of Arizona.

Judge God said to man, you may freely eat, drink, and gamble:

But do not cross your fellow cowboy: for in the day thou cross thy fellow rider thou shalt surely be gunned down.

Judge God said, it is not good that the cowboy should be alone. I will make him a partner to ride into the horizon.

And out of the ground, Judge God made a stead man could tame. And brought it unto the ranch’s trail boss: and whatsoever the Trail Boss every living creature, that was the name therof.

The Trail Boss named the cattle, and the fowl, and to every beast of the prairie; but for The Trail Boss no help was found.

The Judge God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the Trail Boss after a hard ride. Judge God took The Trail Boss’ gun.

And the gun, which the Judge God had taken from the cowboy, made a sharpshooting cowgirl and brought her unto the Trail Boss.

And they were without firearms, cowboy and cowgirl, were not ashamed.

3

Now the gambler was more subtil than any cowboy of Dodge which the Judge God let live in town. He said unto the cowgirl, You are seem like a pretty straight shot. You a gunslinger?

The sharp Shooter said to the serpent, I’m the best shot in Dodge.

But the Judge God has forbid all guns so I cannot practice my skill. For if I had a gun I’d become a rustler.

The gambler said to the cowgirl, You shall not become a rustler unless you want to steal.

For God just doesn’t want you to be better than he. Let me show you where the greatest gun I’ve ever seen is kept. Right here in Dodge.

When the Sharp Shooter was brought to the gun, and that it was pleasant to the eyes and weight perfect in the hand. The gun fired true and she took it to the cowboy and he did see her shot.

And their eyes were opened by her skill. They knew she was good but the cowgirl was the best shot in all of creation and they fashioned holsters to contain the Gun.

The Judge God came to dodge on a cool day: and the Trail Boss and the Sharp Shooter hid their holsters amongst the trash of Dodge.

Judge God called out to the Trail Boss, and said to him, What are these holsters doing in the trash?

The Trail Boss said, I heard some people found the gun and crafted holsters to house the gun. D

Judge God said, who told you about my gun? Hast thou shotten the gun, when I have forbid guns from being shot?

The Trail Boss said, It was the Sharp Shooter who shot the gun, she let me hold it, and I did shoot.

Judge God said to the Cowgirl, What have you done? And the Sharp Shooter said, The Gambler cheated me, and I did shoot.

Judge god found the gambler in the saloon and said unto him, because you have done this, you are cursed above all cattle and pack animal. Upon your hand I brand you a cheat and distrust you shall meet at the tables all your days.

And I will put feud between Trail Boss and Sharp Shooter, and between your kind shall count to ten before your fire.

Unto the sharp Shooter I will greatly multiply the sorrow and grief from hitting your target. In sorrow, you will never miss; and they will work for the trail boss and shoot for food.

And to the Trail Boss he said, because you fired the gun and crafted holsters to carry the gun, of which I commanded never to be fired again: cursed to till the ground and never ride again all the days of your life.

Thorns and tumbleweed is all you shall harvest and that is all you’ll have to survive.

When you are overworked and thirsty you shall have hard tack to eat until you return to the ground.

Judge God crafted them dusters and hats and clothed them.

Judge God said, behold man is become as one of us, to fire a well-crafted gun and slide it into a holster: and now, lest he put the Gun in his pants could take my life and be the Judge of the Dodge Territory.

So Judge God formed a posse and ran the two out of town.

He placed watchmen with burning torches and a fiery marshal who could shot with both hands to keep law in Dodge. 

This was the creation and The Fall.

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